I Crossed the Line

Oh no. I've had a terrible realisation. It might never go back. I may have crossed over into another plane of being wherein there is never legitimate downtime or relaxation. Gone are the days of having a day job and watching tv after work while cooking a real homecooked meal. Gone is guilt-free hanging out doing nothing. Or at least that's what it feels like.

I'd say one of the defining elements of the Cardiff time was a constant awareness that I should be doing work--reading more articles, going to more lectures, writing essays earlier so i can edit them more. And another defining element was not knowing what would happen next--where, when or if I'd get a job in my areas of interest, how my time or life would be structured. Oh yeah and a third was when I'd be able to settle in for a long-ish time of living in one flat and not be looking forward at the next move. And missing my friends. That's four defining elements, and I'm sure there are more, but that's plenty for now.

so now I'm back in Seattle, have been for nearly two months. And NONE OF THESE THINGS HAVE CHANGED. At least not enough for my taste. The painting and bathroom fix-up drags on, so I'm still not certain when we will move in, though it shouldn't be long now. I have too many tasks piled up that need to happen simultaneously--job searching, job applying, networking and involvement with local organisations in my field, house fixing-up, finishing up my report for Cardiff U., temping, cooking and eating a decent meal now and then ... Still don't know what the future holds in terms of jobs and the structure of daily life. And even though I'm in the same town with many of the friends I missed so much, I find that I still have only managed to see most of them once or twice, mostly for the reasons listed above. And like in Cardiff, I'm not sure I'd be much good for company anyway.

So, yeah, I wonder if it will ever end. I know that most of these things will stabilize and hopefully I'll have some less-guilty free time to spend with friends. But I have no way of knowing when for much of it. And I do think there may just be more and more things to plan and prepare for and live up to as I get older and try to become a professional. so I trundle along.

I'm not even particularly upset about these things. I'm just tired. As long as I can keep from doubting my own abilities and worth in the face of no response to job applications, I think I'll be fine. And so far I still think they're all insane for not interviewing me and learning how perfect I am for whatever job it is. Maybe the job that is perfect for me is still out there and in this dimension I've found myself in, patience is the biggest virtue and necessity.